The Reason

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

I dedicate this song to Foo Shi Ting. The girl I am waiting for. The girl I care and love.

I love you

A new day with yesterday's purposes

Talking to you.. That's one of the hardest yet easiest things I can do right now. Hardest because I can feel the hurt. Easiest because I love talking to you. No, I am not complaining nor am I commenting. I'm just thankful that we could still talk things over.

Something we talked about made me think now. Am I really possesive? If you asked me, I honestly would not know. I'm not saying that I am not. I am saying that I don't know. Because, compared with my previous relationships, I have let you off a lot more than the others. It is probably because of that, is why I do not feel I am possesive or otherwise. My heart tells me that I am not, but my mind wonders, do the people around me feel so? Well... that has been answered for me a few days ago. Yes, I am portraying myself as a possesive person. I shoot glances of anger and jealousy whenever you talk to someone else that I think of as someone who could take you away from me. I am saying this according to what I've been told, but honestly, I had no conscious idea regarding this. Because in my own mind, I would try to engage myself in a conversation but I would constantly glance at you to check on you. Like you said, it could be according to the Johari's Window, that this is the blind part of my personality. Maybe it is. But now it is in the open. I know it now and I am perfectly willing to make a conscious effort to keep this intact. It'll take time surely, but I will do everything in my willpower to continuously control that part of me.

You said that I am hiding my feelings from you, like I smile at you if you look at me. I don't know what to say other than that I am sorry you felt that. Because everytime you ask if I was ok, I would ask myself the same in my heart, and my heart will say yes most of the time. It is arguable that deep down, I did feel something. But when my heart said yes, then it comes right out of my mouth. If I had thought longer or took a longer time to ask myself again, the answer might or might not be different.

Thank you for telling me all this, Ting. I really appreciate it. I will continue proving myself. I will wait for you to accept me again. I will use our conversation earlier to further change myself. As a better friend. And hopefully, as a better boyfriend to you.

I love you

Grasping and running towards the tunnel of hope

Thanks for coming out with me last night. It really meant a lot to me. I'm happy that we managed to talk and speak our minds. Maybe its a new start? Maybe its a new ending? I do not know.. but as long as there is hope of getting back with you, that's the hope that I will be holding on to. Seeing you smile, seeing you laugh.. it reminded me so much about what used to be and what could have been. However, I did not appreciate it last time.. but this time its different. I'm a new man. I've learned from my mistakes. Maybe you need evidence about it, maybe you want to hear from other people's mouths. Which ever it is, I will not make the same mistake again. I will put my whole body and soul into making sure of that.

I swear, upon my family's name, to Foo Shi Ting and to everyone else, that I, Steven Fok Jia Liang, will put my entire body and soul into making sure that a lie never escapes my mouth ever again. No more untruths, no more half truths. From now on, it is all just the truth. And along with that, I would like to swear that I am truly sorry and I am really doing my best to repent and redeem myself. As a boyfriend, as a best friend, as a friend.

Give me a chance to prove myself

I know it is a hard time for you. It's hard for me too. I hurt the person I love the most, whom loved me back more than anyone ever did. And not only that, I hurt you in the most hurtful way possible to you. I just want you to know that I lied for a reason. I'm not saying that because of that reason, therefore I am right. I know I am wrong for lying to you. I know you could've accepted any wrongdoings of mine other than that. But I still did it. I am sorry. There is nothing but guilt and repentance in my heart right now.

I would also like to say that, even if I lied about certain stuff, I did not lie about how I felt for you. I did not lie when I said I am willing to be the one you rely on. I did not lie when I said it's ok to send back home, or to accompany you back by train. I did not lie when I said you were the one for me. And lastly, I did not lie when I said that I love you in my room, which was the first time I said those 3 words to you and I did not lie when I said I love you ever since that day.

Please give me a chance to prove myself to you as a boyfriend worthy enough of you. I am really sorry for what I did and I'm going to set things straight between me and everyone that was involved. Please reconsider me.

I love you

Thanks to my course mates that were there today.

To the people who were willing to listen to me, thanks. I apologize for my previous post about you guys. I realize now that I'm the one who is to be blamed. I've been tactless and I've been lying. I'm glad that you guys gave me the chance to come clean. And just as a side note, I'm posting it online so that everyone who had read it before, can now read the actual truth. No other intentions. It might not be much, but its the least I could do. Thank you again.

I'm working on it... I really am

I can't put into words the feelings I have right now. The closest I can get to it is that I feel absolute regret to what I have did. I know I have to give you time and space. I respect that. But I would not stop trying. There's something special between us and I was an idiot to have lost sight of that the first time. Please give me a chance to appreciate it this time. That's all I ask.

I am sorry.

I lied to you when I shouldn't have to. No, I lied to you when I didn't have to. I realize that is was a stupid thing to do. But trust me when I say this now and I want the whole world to know this.

I am truly in love with you, Foo Shi Ting. I didn't want any of this to happen. Please accept my apology and please allow me a chance to make things right again. You might feel that it can't be helped, that it can't be saved. Half of our coursemates might even feel that. But what we had was special. I'm sure you felt it too. And there's no way I could fake that. I just wish right now, that I am the person who accompanies you all the way back to tasik selatan just because you're tired, that I am the person who drives you back to your house whenever I have the car, because that's the person I am. I care about you. I love you. I really would not make the same mistake again.. Ever.