A new day with yesterday's purposes

Talking to you.. That's one of the hardest yet easiest things I can do right now. Hardest because I can feel the hurt. Easiest because I love talking to you. No, I am not complaining nor am I commenting. I'm just thankful that we could still talk things over.

Something we talked about made me think now. Am I really possesive? If you asked me, I honestly would not know. I'm not saying that I am not. I am saying that I don't know. Because, compared with my previous relationships, I have let you off a lot more than the others. It is probably because of that, is why I do not feel I am possesive or otherwise. My heart tells me that I am not, but my mind wonders, do the people around me feel so? Well... that has been answered for me a few days ago. Yes, I am portraying myself as a possesive person. I shoot glances of anger and jealousy whenever you talk to someone else that I think of as someone who could take you away from me. I am saying this according to what I've been told, but honestly, I had no conscious idea regarding this. Because in my own mind, I would try to engage myself in a conversation but I would constantly glance at you to check on you. Like you said, it could be according to the Johari's Window, that this is the blind part of my personality. Maybe it is. But now it is in the open. I know it now and I am perfectly willing to make a conscious effort to keep this intact. It'll take time surely, but I will do everything in my willpower to continuously control that part of me.

You said that I am hiding my feelings from you, like I smile at you if you look at me. I don't know what to say other than that I am sorry you felt that. Because everytime you ask if I was ok, I would ask myself the same in my heart, and my heart will say yes most of the time. It is arguable that deep down, I did feel something. But when my heart said yes, then it comes right out of my mouth. If I had thought longer or took a longer time to ask myself again, the answer might or might not be different.

Thank you for telling me all this, Ting. I really appreciate it. I will continue proving myself. I will wait for you to accept me again. I will use our conversation earlier to further change myself. As a better friend. And hopefully, as a better boyfriend to you.

I love you